I’ve decided to stop.
internally.
diving down to the quiet dark space
within.
no matter the turmoilt above
the callings,
the weathers.
arriving in silence.
I don’t owe anymore,
there is no debt.
I don’t have to take over,
fill silence or need
with comfort or depth.
right now,
I am recovering.
re-collecting.
I am horting my energy
for my own benefit.
I’m done with granting in advance,
giving people a head start,
believing in benefits of the doubt.
I’m coming home right now
after years of roaming the world
ready to fully rest.
I don’t aim to stay here forever.
but I need time to embody my experiences,
to digest,
to detox and declutter,
to anchor,
before I set out to a new path.
I might have been sharing a little too freely,
too kindly.
I’m glad I did.
I will always want to lead with generosity.
of course I could keep
more to myself
but I don’t need to hoard
what I am the source of.
My life has proven
that energy runs in full circles anyway.
What I give will find it’s way back to me
differently
but with the same vibration.
Not because I’m expecting it to,
but because it likes to return home, too.

xxj

11:11

I was brave for a little while,
dared to show parts of me
I usually hide.
I know I can create forces,
magnetic energy fields around me,
but I was set back
at how I couldn’t attract
a soul that was truly acknowledging mine.
Instead old patterns formed into something
just as tangled as before.
Thieves.
And so a lesson:
figuring out how to handle myself
as the highest price.
Earn it,
or step aside.

22:22

How much hurt is bearable?
Can be swallowed week by week?
The resilience everyone sees in me
is crackling into pieces.
Without an armor I am left soft.
I am tired
of bringing up strength to endure.
No back bone left.
Broken in half.
Now that I know, I have to deal.
That’s an advantage. 
This lesson:
Less is more.
Balance is a fine line.
I need to feel it and tip it over
before I can even attempt to find.

21:21

It was time for me
to turn another year older.
One of the worst nights I’ve ever had.
Fearing death
in the quiet of a cold morning.
The nervous system whacked
until the heart was racing
1000 races.
A subtle but threatening ache.
And a scream for peace.
This lesson:
The pause is urgent. 
If I disagree or disregard,
the consequences are 
everything.

12:12

I am off center.
I am off.
I cannot turn the other way now.
And I cannot push through.
Confrontation is not the way this time.
Only an honest embrace.
A request to hold myself in the most
careful way.
I need to reduce
to the bare minimum.
I feel so damn exposed
and ready to fall
from the touch of the lightest breeze.
Life is an old teacher
giving me harder questions to solve
and answering me less forgiving than before.
I didn’t see these ones coming
and this time more than ever
I am scared
to fail.

xxj

22:55

what you need to learn
are not the intellectual things.
but how to be alive. 

xxj

[life has always given me the lessons I need in that specific moment.
really hard challenges, painful ones.
but we all have them.
and it‘s about overcoming them.
and about welcoming them.
they make life to what it is.
truly magical.]

Nolan Tylor – “Double Life”

continually,
fall season reminds me of you
and a heavy heart does so, too.
the same counts for the milky way on a clear black sky
and a whole list of melodies and lyrics,
that seep into my bones
like young roots into loose soil.

these things keep returning to me
like socks that disappeared in the washing machine
and an enveloping fatigue
that takes hold of all senses after a long, exhausting day.
I accept
that this is one of life’s voices.
It’s a low toned mumble,
which catches one’s attention
without stirring up too much.

I never quite understood
why autumn embraces me so trustingly
even though I’m the worst
at letting go.
Staying, with the face in the gleaming sun,
returning, where no roads lead.
I have a weird talent
for carrying melancholy
and unwavering optimism
into my actions.
As if I knew for sure
that singularity is a myth.

I do still wonder,
which colors remind you of mine,
at which hour I catch your breath,
or what gestures let you stumble
and halt,
because they bring your thoughts to mine.
What is it, that makes me cross your mind
and do you encounter it
repeatedly?

as I am sitting on top of my sheets
finally feeling warmer
than the air outside these walls,
I come back to
a promise I made to myself
and maybe or maybe not
to you,
many times before:
everything will be alright.

xxj

p.s. mirror mirror,
I think I know, where the reluctant heart
sits.

still.

you’re better of
standing alone in your fields,
strands of hair stroking your face
and the tips of grass nudging your fingertips,
than hanging out in some gray-zone
with someone who can neither
dance with fire,
nor provide shelter
from something as soothing as rain.

let this sit.
let it sit.

it might hurt now,
but give yourself a few days,
some circles of thoughts,
and you will be
fine.
time
is on your side
and so are opportunities.
always.
you know this.

just fine.
fine without this stone,
bound to your foot.
no need to wonder,
question,
questioning yourself,
which is the worst.
you keep looking for the mistakes
in all the wrong places,
my love.
they are not within your reach.

you offered
an honest chance
for something sweet
to evolve
out of
nothing.

you are better off
enchanting your own soul.

not all problems
want to be solved.
soon you will feel indifferent.
who gives zero,
will never add up to a whole sum.
simple as that.
stoic.
let’s call it ‘law of attraction’:
the truth likes to catch up
with you.

better meet it
eye to eye.
better listen to it.

hi.

xxj