The go-to festivals near where I live are the Open Air St.Gallen and the Open Air Frauenfeld.
The Open Air St.Gallen is an alternative/rock festival with room for about 30’000 people. It is great because it’s small, cosy and if you camp at the right spot you have a direct view onto the main stage! There’s a river to go bathing and you always have shuttle busses to the centre of the city. The tickets cost about 300 Swiss Francs.
I have been to this festival several times before and saw bands like Paramore, 30 Seconds to Mars, Linkin Park, Philipp Poisel, Kings of Leon, Queens of the Stone Age, DeadMau5, Macklemore… Ed Sheeran has been there before, this year the headliners were Kodaline, Royal Blood, Rise Against, The Chemical Brothers, Mighty Oaks, Placebo and Paolo Nutini.
What you need to know is, that this festival is sold out super quickly. When the pre-sell starts (December/January) you have only a few hours to get one.
And the festival is known for shitty weather. I have experienced both – four days of sunshine and four days of rain. Rainy weather sucks, but how could you know half a year before the festival what the weather would be like?
The festival usually takes place at the end of June.
This is one of my most simple but still most beloved memories of the time I shared
with him.
I let it go.
–
I was about to get home. At 7 o’clock on a Sunday morning. I just finished a 10 hours night-shift at the pub.
Every single time when I was close to where I wanted so desperately to get, I’d turn around the corner, checking if I saw light spreading out into the dark night from inside the apartment on the very top of the building. Shortly before I reached that point where I could see the light, I sometimes felt like running, speeding up. It didn’t matter that I felt incredibly exhausted and worn out.
This was never the time for me to feel tired.
Usually it came over me sometime later on Sunday afternoon, or on Monday and then it would’ve stayed for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday… But coming home to him was what I waited for all week. It was my motivation. My sweet treat after six days of missing him, hard work, and …did I mention it? Missing him.
I have never been a very patient person and I will never be. So for those days without him, nothing mattered, I just wanted to get through the week, to turn around that corner
and to see light.
That night I did.
A mix between utter happiness (“he’s waiting for me to come home!”) and bliss (“god, I am so lucky”) and thankfulness (“he did it for me”) but also worry (“he really should be asleep. No one gets up at this time on Sunday mornings”) would run through my veins. To him, it was always one of his favorite things, if I waited for him to come home after work.
Yes, to me, it was the exact same thing.
He always told me, he woke up himself knowing I would come soon. I’m not sure he set an alarm clock. But no matter what it was that woke him up – I am so thankful now, for every single time.
On that very day, I hurried up the stairs. I opened the door. If my heart could’ve talked, it would’ve taken a deep breath and it would’ve sighed “finally”. He walked towards me, held me, whispered a soft “hello” as I let the contentment and simplicity of this moment wash over me.
I was sticky and smelly, from all the sweat and liquor on my skin – he didn’t care. He never did. Our tired looks on our faces would mirror in each others eyes.
But all I could feel at that moment was the pure feeling of infinite devotion.
I remember my urge to make the best out of our short time we would have together. We always had only the weekends. Although the nights of those weekends, I was working. Then I would sleep till noon. So actually we had half of the weekends. I wanted so much to just stay awake, not waisting any time. I didn’t need sleep as long as I had him. And he looked at me sweet and worried, shaking his head.
I went to put my bag in his bedroom and I laid down for a sneaky short minute, still convinced, that I didn’t want and didn’t need the sleep. I relaxed on my side completely across the whole bed, diagonally, as I felt him laying down behind me. He said: “You need the sleep.” And he put his arm around me, pulled me close. Some of his weight was on top of me. It was completely innocent, but perfect. He closed every single gap between us, his head on mine, his arm around me, I heard his breath, his heartbeat and although I really didn’t intend to sleep
i fell into the world of dreams immediately.
I cannot remember a single time, when I have ever slept just as well. I was literally muffled in his love and his warmth. Oh, I loved his warmth.
I felt cold too often, I feel cold too often now.
I had no dreams, I could just let myself fall. I knew I was at the most secure place I could’ve ever been.
And I knew I could wake up, and he’d still be around.
It was nice to know someone looked after me, giving me a break from making all the decisions.
At that moment he gave me the feeling, that I didn’t needed to be stressed, or scared, or worried.
Nothing in the world mattered.
Just him, by my side, close – physically and emotionally.
It was nice to know, he cared.
And that he had woken up just to hold me till I’d fallen asleep.
Picture: Printscreen Vlog The Michalaks (check them out!)
I never knew that I could feel constantly sad for so long…
it has already been 3 months – a quarter of a year. Still – no day has gone by without a thought about my lost love, my lost chances.
I’m sorry I let you wait for so long for a new blog post. But I honestly couldn’t bring myself to write one – until now.
I went to see him again. It was a mistake. There was the old connection between us, the brushed arms when we walked past each other, the closeness I yearned for, the stupid jokes about the same old things, his touch.
I collapsed after I left. A few days later I demanded to get answers.
Answers to questions I couldn’t even ask without wondering if I could handle to hear what he would say to them.
He told me – I should let him go.
That I should live my life.
That the timing wasn’t right.
That he would come back once he thinks, he can be the person I deserve.
That he knows it could be too late then.
He told me, I was important to him.
That he had the most wonderful time ever with me.
You know, I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I am not the kind of person who believes much in timing.
I am convinced that ultimately you have to fight and work for what you want to keep in your life.
It’s about what you do. You cannot always look for excuses and you cannot make life itself to one of them.
Nevertheless – I felt defeated.
I tried to accept it, I tried and am still trying because I love him and because I have no other choice.
I cannot force him to love me.
I cannot make him want me.
It all becomes less painful after a while – you become numb, resigned.
I deleted the pictures, stopped myself from thinking about the time we shared, his eyes, his touch or the future I always hoped we would have together.
It’s all gone and it’s all out of my hands.
Nothing I could ever imagine myself doing, is ever going to change anything, or make it work again.
It needs two to love.
Sometimes I even wonder, if what we had was ever true. Now that it is all deleted it becomes so surreal.
Has it ever been there? Has it ever existed? Have weexisted?
I am concentrating on myself now. That’s my biggest advice. Focus on yourself, change things, live. Even though you will go through tough days… don’t call him, don’t text him. Delete the number.
I am waiting for the time, when he’s ready to talk to me again – when he misses me so much, that he reaches out to me and not the other way around. He could be missing me then as a friend, or as a human being or as the one who once loved him. Maybe until then, I am different. Maybe then i can stand in front of him without tears in my eyes – strong.
If he’s moving on, I have to do the same thing. I cannot be left behind.
He says he knows it could be too late. This is what I don’t understand. I don’t understand why he promises me to come back one day, although he has never kept a promise he’s ever made. And why would you let someone go, if you knew it could be too late? I would never push anyone out of my life, if I would intend to let this person back in sometime, knowing it could never happen… because it could be too late. No one would do that, that’s too much of a risk. You keep the ones you love as close to you as you can and never let them go. Right?
I would have never let him go. But he asks for it. He turns around and walks away from me. Leaving me all alone. If I ever want to feel happy again, I have to do what I hate most, what I’ve always been to scared to even think about.
And to be fair, slowly frustration and some sort of anger starts to build inside of me.
It helps me to leave him alone
but I don’t like it, because it isn’t me.
I’m kind.
But I hate not being able to do anything about it. That fighting doesn’t help. That I have to accept the defeat.
I would’ve fought for him forever, if I only saw a glimpse of a chance.
Now I dunno what to tell you anymore. I am literally planning my life. Soon I start Uni, I wanna move out, work more… A fresh start.
Before I end this post I’d like to share with you something which has made me think.
I heard following poem recently. It’s called If by Ruyard Kipling – read out by Hanna Maggs and her husband on their Vlog-channel The Michalaks:
I know this has nothing to do with romantic relationships whatsoever.
Some sentences still stayed with me and I really cannot let them go:
“If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, … If you can dream—and not make dreams your master; If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; … Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
… And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;”
I wondered, if I could ever forgive him what he did to me. If I could ever trust him again.
If I could even let him come back into my life.
I don’t know the answers yet. For the moment I let him figure out, when the time for us is right
– whatever us we are.
I give him the time he needs.
It would be incredibly sad, if this was it.
If this was the end. No contact. Out of each others lives.
Gone.
But on the other hand I am not too sure a broken heart can ever heal, or forget.
At my stay we also went to Brighton. This has been the third time at the city and I love it!
I love the sea, the people, the lanes, the houses. It’s a place you must visit when you’re already in Great Britain.
There are loads of young people there – which also means you have great restaurants and bars to go out.
Of course you have to go to the Brighton Peer.
Nothing to say about it, just go and enjoy.
Sit down at the beach – and be aware that the seagulls will steal your food if you don’t pay attention.
It’s often quite windy down there so make sure your clothes keep you warm.
For shopping there are the Lanes with its little shops. It’s quite vintage and always busy.
Sometimes you also have buskers there.
It all gives the area a great atmosphere.
Now I get to the most important part – food and drinks.
When my friends and I go to Brighton there always two places we have to go to.
I have to mention that we love good, savory food. When I’m out in Great Britain I really don’t try to get a hand on the healthy stuff…no, no, no.
It’s a very cosy pub where you can sit inside or outside.
The inside is held in red colors – it reminded me of, well, a cabaret, but anyways…
I had a Crabbies Ginger Beer and a Halloumi Burger.
Seriously, I’ve never had such a yummy Burger before!
Then there is the JBs American Diner at 31 King’s Road jbsdiner.co.uk
Ooh, it makes me hungry if I look at those pictures.
This place is made in an American Style – there are so many details! Tom and Cherry was on telly
and on the ceiling there was a picture of gorgeous James Dean. (Only to mention some of it)
I had a Pop Eye’s Salad with avocado, spinach, chicken and cheese as well as some cheesy-fries and an Oreo Milk Shake.
Honestly – it’s impossible to eat and drink it all. Especially the Milk Shake is huge.
But I swear, what you get at this restaurant, is really really yummy stuff.
Don’t miss out on it.
It’s also situated quite close to the Brighton Peer and just at the promenade.
Now there is another place we discovered. I’ve never been there before:
It is the No 32 at 32 Duke Street no32dukestreet.com
I want to warn you straight way – this place is pricy!
But since I like a little bit of luxury…
Don’t judge me!
This restaurant/bar/club/whatever is fancy and modern.
What we drank was prosecco with elderly flower sirup and lime.
It’s a drink we call in Switzerland “Hugo” and it’s very In at the moment, especially in summer,
cause it’s refreshing.
I don’t wanna go too much into detail about it, since I plan to make a “Swiss drinks/Favourite drinks” post at some point.
However for those two glasses we payed quite a lot.
I dunno if it was because of what we chose …
But if you look for a place which is stylish and fancy – you’ll be right at the No 32.
For my shopping day and “pub crawl” in London I wore a comfortable and in my opinion pretty outfit.
The Londoners are very stylish at all time.
There are no limits in what to wear, it can be extreme, classy, punky, sweet – you won’t feel like you stand out.
I wore black stretchy Jeans from TallyWeijl
a grey T-Shirt and a black scarf from H&M
a very beautiful red coat from River Island
and black leather boots from Max Shoes
I’m sorry I couldn’t find all the exact clothing pieces on the websites anymore.
They were either from the summer collection or already quite old.
I guess when you plan to walk around the city for the whole day you wanna make sure that especially the shoes are comfy.
Let’s have a break form all that brokenhearted relationship talk.
I went to London, one of my favourite cities in the world, to meet my English friend Carla and to spend some time away from home. I really needed to get some distance from my ex and from everyday life.
The big isle in the north means a lot to me.
I spent 10 Months in England, in a place called Orpington (south of London, Kent), when I was 16 years old.
It was an “exchange year”, which means I basically went to school there with all the English kids and I even did AS-Level exams.
I try to go back ever year to see my best friend and to visit my host family.
This time we went into some old pubs – it was wonderful and I had a great time!
So I thought I should share those three places with you.
All of them are situated near the St. Paul’s Cathedral.
Let’s start off with the Ye Olde London , 42 Ludge Hill.
You can see the entrance of it on the very top picture.
It’s a pub with a nice little garden. You have to walk downstairs through the whole pub to find it.
To be fair, since I work at a pub in Switzerland I usually feel very comfy in Pubs in general, because I know
what kind of people go there and I know how the system works and so on.
So for tourists or just to refresh your mind – You go and order at the bar and you pay directly. If you buy drinks you wait for them to be made and you take them with you and sit down wherever you want. If you want food you also order and pay for it directly at the bar. The staff will bring you the food to your place, once it’s done.
Very simple.
If you are a fan of beers, Pubs are perfect for you. But also if you’re like me – I’m not a fan of beers – there are some very very nice drinks you can have. A part from “the hard stuff” I would recommend you ciders.
The apple one’s are more sour, so if you are a sweet person like me, choose strawberry or passion fruit ciders.
You’ll love them.
What I have been obsessed with this time has been the Crabbie’s Ginger beer.
If you like ginger flavored drinks, you cannot go wrong with this.
And – drink the ginger beer and the ciders with ice! Trust me.
On the website you can find out more about the place: Ye Olde London
Next one’s the Punch Tavern on Fleet Street
It’s a quite romantic little pub with all its fairy-lights.
The guys there were really into gin. They have loads and loads of different ones.
I wish I did remember what we drank – there was definitely gin in it.
The one with lime – and I think it was mixed with bitter lemon or something – was very nice.
Just ask the bartenders, they will mix something for your taste. And the prices are super-decent!
And the last one I’d like to share with you is Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese on Fleet Street.
Okay I seriously wished I took more pictures of this place – it’s genuinely amazing!
Inside it is a maze of little rooms which seem to be actually part of a huge cellar.
I really cannot describe it differently, go and check it out yourself.
It’s just all connected with little stairs and it’s all underground.
To be honest, I wasn’t amazed by the beverage menu but I am positive you’ll find something for your taste.
I guess it really depends on how picky you are.
We tried the apricot beer – it wasn’t too bad.
Apparently Charles Dickens has been known to visit the pub frequently.
When you’re there you can easily imagine him sitting there.
I suppose this place really scores with its venue.
There is no official website for it but I hope this will help you: Visit London – Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese
Have fun exploring and trying out those pubs!
xx jana
It has been five weeks and three days. Up and down and up and down. I tried to distract myself.
It worked sometimes.
At this point, I feel like I have thought about the breakup and about him so much, that I don’t know anymore how I should feel.
I could have the urge to call him, to ask him to take me back. Two minutes later I could completely understand that we can never be together, that we won’t ever work out. Sad, understandable, angry, frustrated, devastated, desperate….
But what I am feeling all the time is a deep loneliness.
This feeling never changes.
I lost my soulmate, the only one, who gave my life a reason. The one I could talk to about everything, the one who was home to me. I lost the one, who made me feel warm and loved and understood.
No one can fill this hole. Not now.
I try to let him go.
I haven’t succeeded yet.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was yours.”
– Confucius, Chinese Philosopher
I have no hope that he’ll come back to me, though. So when I let him go, I let him go. He flies away.
He’s gone. I want him to be free. I don’t want him to be free. I want him to come back. I don’t want him to come back.
This sucks.
I am not sure this is a spoiler – so I guess if you ever consider reading “The Chaos of Stars” by Kiersten White you might not want to read any further… although I am only going to talk about one Quote.
About the books I read on holiday I am going to write a blogpost later.
Here it is:
–
“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d chose you”
–
Aren’t those words absolutely perfect? I mean choice, that’s the thing! I thought about this a lot and about how much I wished that a guy would consciously choose me with all my flaws and all my issues. Commitment. I like the idea about losing one another out of sight and maybe even out of mind but then finding each other again because it has to be – because both want it to be that way. Because the choice has been made and no matter what, if both make the same decision, they will find each other again.
Choices are very powerful.
It’s about making them wisely… and about actually making them in the first place.
If you don’t make a choice, you won’t change anything, you won’t develop and you won’t ever get happy.
Because you cannot become a happy person if you don’t know what you want.
Let’s make choices. Good ones. Real ones.
With our hearts.
letters from xxj. 
