halfway broken
halfway empty

drawn to water
seated in cold
a feeling crawled up
behind her neck
and she looked
felt it without looking
felt him without seeing
knowing his movement
understanding this bodylanguage
a language she learned by heart
she could listen from far away
she knew
she sensed what he felt
knew that smile that appeared on his face

and her chest grew so heavy
before it shrinked too small
the pain was vivid
it shook her up
and she knew
that it was all wrong

and it was not his smile
it was the disappointment
in trust
it was her
her she disbelieved

the disbelieve in herself
for finding herself in this spot again
how many of her hearts
can be broken?
how much of her love
can she waste on him
– and how much time?

lonely is her most painful way to be.

(incomplete)
xxj